Every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it.

So it means that every single day you see me,

that's on the worse day of my life.

2 down.. 10 to go

damn... where has the time gone... cant believe its already time for march... bday month for me... well february has been quite cool acually so here goes :

• work has chilled quite a bit, i was only hectic for 2 weeks of the month and then chilled for 2 weeks, perfect! but this week i had a meeting with the client and they've more than doubled their budget and the workload has trippled, so my assistant starts tomoro. its gonna be alot of hard work, but i look forward to it cos i wont be doing it alone... i'm impressed with how much i've grown in the 5months i've been there. altho i must say that so far this yr 15 ppl have left the company. needless to say my stress levels r high, my tolerance and patience with stupid ppl very low...
• i've been driving quite a bit lately, just have to get my lisence. GG my flatmate has been throwing me in the deep end... making me drive on the highway during the rain... that was hell... but i'm still alive and the car is in tact.
• valentines/ singles awareness as i like to call it was crap... decided to do the opposite of wot i did last yr, i went to work fully kitted in goth gear and got flowers from a friend with a card saying "happy f#cking tuesday" that nite i came home and got drunk on my own ha ha ha... the goth look lingered a bit, my nails were gonna be black for a while anyway... so.. i went with it...
• my social life... well still not sure i have one of those, been trying to go out a bit more frequently, mostly to places where my favourite local dj's are performing... Pimp Squad are brilliant! they make everyone else here sound like amateurs... and as for the boys... dont have time for that BS!!! specially wen i hear my coupled friends bitch about their 'marital' problems

other than that... february has been pretty chilled... havnt really done anything special... now for part 3 of 12... gonna be hectic... its concerts and bdays all things are month... mmm... cant wait. its already 1 week into the month and i must say looking up... and up... and up... whoohoo... it's great being me rite now... unfortunately, i didnt stick to my rule of "i'm not reminding people its my bday" i mean really now... its the only day in the year that belongs to me (& albert einstein-altho i was born 99yrs after him) and all that matters too me.. more than freaken gifts is that people wish me a happy birthday and just spend some time with all the people i love... so ... by now everybody knows!!!! he he he

:::my personal favourite posts:::
(yes i've read them all again, well the ones i liked that is)

• this is me ****
• thort for the day **
• CONfidence *****
• dead like me *****
• stress related ***
• Hypocrits ****
• temporary insanity ***
• the complete idiots guide to me : chapt 1 *****
• us girls are worse than u think ****
• the game ***
• just a notch in my bedpost ****
• anger, hurt and many tears ****
• feels like i'm stuck in reverse ***
• cynical ***
• pleased to meet u, i'm naive **
• i'm lazy, so wot?! ***
• i'm normal rite? ***
• u get me ***
• opportunist men r poo!!! ***
• the things we do for fun ****
• its not nicotine ***
• warranty conspiracy ***
• so it starts here *****

mmm... its been a long couple of months. the star rating has more to do with how much i njoyed writing that particular post. and i usually only enjoyed the most creative ones... here's to many many more...

alcohol induced destruction

i just dont get it, wen i'm not drinking the hard stuff i'll have a beer or a cider in the bottle. there's nothing like one of those ice cold bevvies , they go down so well, i almost drink it like i do water cos its not quite whiskey,

(we all know i like to sip my JD)

anyway with the bottel being ice cold, water condences on the bottel and without thinking, bottle in hand, i start peeling off the labels... every single one of them.

• starting with the one on the front, nice and slow, keeping it in tact,
• then its the one on the back, same procedure.
• then i put the sticky sides together
• then the one on the neck, sticking it onto the 2 i already have or if there's no sticker on the neck and its the foil... same procedure... nice and slow
• then i crumple the whole thing and throw it away

at this point i'm usually done drinking the beer/cider and its time to start the whole routine all over again...

kno wot i'm sayn

in this modern fst passed lyf, wit emails, blogs sms's & the lyk. i often find myself writin & typin in sort sms styl during the day...

it reali isnt that cool cos as i may b sms'n ppl & mailin ppl all kindsa fun-e stuf thru-out the day, i also hav 2 send NB mail 2 my bosses & clients & suppliers & often hav 2 pruf read the dam thing 2 make shaw i dnt send 'em sumthin jst alil less proffessional than im supposed 2. imagin snding ur boss sumthin lyk this post ... OMG!! he'l hit the roof... he mite evn ruf u up. & u kno how e-z it that can b cn that iv ben trying 2 multi-tsk by wrking & playn @the same tym.

ROTFLMFAO... c wot i mean. Lyk wtf?!?

ai papi !!!

The only aphrodisiac I need is your voice

Hearing you speak my name

Beckoning me to answer

Telling me you want me

So I tell you that you're the answer to every question I've ever had about love

Without words I use my tongue to tell the tale of us

Tracing your shadowscape

Kneeling before you my eyes feast upon your masculinity and

All its divinity and I praise you

Because all of that is for me

I begin to indulge myself of your delicacies

Digesting semi-sweet dark chocolate decadence as it melts

Dripping down my chin

Your taste is something Godiva couldn't re-create

Needing every atom of your anatomy

Necessity is placed upon me knowing you are the source of my serendipity

Dipping in and out of me stroking more than my consciesness

Subconsciously I find myself rewinding our love scenes

In my daydreams

Seeing that face you make when you're making me cum

And it makes me want you right there and then

Thinking of you in inappropriate places

I get Tingling sensations in private locations where I wish to be caught between a rock and your hard place

As wetness develops my legs begin to open and my spot turns to a backdraft and all I want you to do is extinguish it

You know my body like the back of your hands

And touch me and send me into ecstacy

My thighs quiver in anticipation of deep penetration which gets me high

Body rising

Sweating

Panting

Make-up melting

Pulling my hair and

Scratching my back

I get a temporary case of tourettes because all I can say are four letter words in a four octave-range screaming your name

(Spanish)

You f#$king me makes me bilingual

I see your tongue pink between your lips and

I want it between mine

And I struggle

As you lick torturing me

I try to get away but

Not really

Running out of room begging for more up against the wall that has been scuffed

by my stilletos

Again

You pry apart my thighs and tell me to be still

And I willingly submit to you because I love the way you dominate me

Demanding that I cum for you so I do as I'm told

You've molded me so I'm good to no-one else but you

You've conquered this once orgasmicless world and multiplied it

Again and

Again

My face radiates with after-glow

My pillow scented by you

A fragrance which haunts me

My room smells of the best sex

I

Covered in body prints and finger prints and you above me

Your name written indelibly upon my body in your genetic history

You f#$king me makes me bilingual

valentine's.. the build up

Nobody Wants To Be Lonely
Artist: Ricky Martin with Christina Aguilera

Nobody wants to be lonely

Nobody wants to cry

My body's longing to hold you

So bad it hurts inside

Time is precious and it's slipping away

And I've been waiting for you all of my life

Nobody wants to be lonely, so why

Why don't you let me love you

negative marking

this is the wrong answer...

that feeling....

U know the one I’m talking about, everyone must have felt it at least once in their lives.
That instant connection u feel with someone u’ve practically just met, but it feels like u’ve known them a lifetime… it’s the feeling of being completely comfortable with someone where u say whats on ur mind and ur not trying to impress or not afraid of how they’ll react. It’s wanting to spend every second of ur day with them, no uncomfortable silences, no bordum …nothing is awkward,
its that childlike playfulness, the internal smile when u think of them, its feeling completely content when gazing into their eyes… its being excited about waking up in the morning cos it means u get to see them, it’s the feeling u get when ur half asleep and u feel their arms around u, its long deep conversations about nothing in particular…
its cuddling in front of the tele when its pouring outside, its knowing their every move, gestures and their smiles, and their smell, the feel of their soft skin, and their lips, its realizing that it just feels rite… its knowing what they’re thinking… knowing just how to make them laugh and feel better, its feeling good about urself, its that feeling that makes u feel like u can achieve absolutely anything… its wot u feel wen their hand fits perfectly in urs…
its missing them wen they just in the next room… its someone thinking ur the hottest thing since hell when ur hair’s a mess, ur eyes are puffy and ur make up smudged… its someone knowing all there is to know about u, the good and the bad…

and they still want to be with u.

1 down 11 to go

2006 so far:

• went on an awesome trip to mozambique, ate the yummiest prawns eva.
• lost a good friend, ppl confuse me sometimes, they dunno wot they want.
• back at a job i've now grown to hate but i'm too responsible and have no time to find a new job
• met an extraordinary person who's changed my outlook on men quite a bit. he's just so different from all the rest... yeah i know wot u're thinking, they all seem different in the begining... but his whole approach, his whole caring nature is different from the rest... unfortunatley i let him get away... stupid stupid stupid girl...
• read a really cool book called 'he's just not that into you' about men and the truth about wot they really mean wen they say:........ '
• bought a cool little car i cant legally drive around yet
• i'm broke as all hell cos of the little car i cant race around in

thats about it... just waiting for part 2 of 12....

the future looks brite in 2006

My Acceptance speech

Well not quite the kind of speech u’re expecting… but just another of my brain farts exposed in cyberspace, like a declaration that woteva life throws my way I will make it, it makes me stronger and wiser… just by accepting that shit happens – no more ‘why me syndrome’, that attitude also has u saying ‘bad things always happen to me’ and that statement rite there… u put it out into the universe, the universe hears u, its like u willing bad things to happen to u… u will it and it will happen. I’m not even depro anymore… it was just a short phase. I’m basically gonna throw out all the hurt and pain cos now I’ve accepted it and I forgive myself and I think I need to say it out load, so to speak… like I’ve said before this blog is like closure for my soul… closing of a chapter of my life... so here goes... from the beginning of MY time:

- Abused as a child not by 1 but by 2 different men at different times in my childhood… was introverted growing up.
- Growing up with the drunken fights and being the eldest and probably cos I had a great memory, always being dragged into it by mom being made to confirm stories and always being accused of taking sides. So I don’t confirm anything, then I’m accused of covering up. Grew up believing mom hated me and wanted me out her life also cos it seemed me being there aggravated their fights…
- (I know it sounds contrary to the previous point but we had the best of everything, went to good schools) Loving parents often strict but also easy going, who I know raised me very well but who maybe hit us just a little too hard that u really cant sit and wen ur ass is stinging so bad u use ur hands to shield the blows u walk around with black and blue wrists too. Got my last big hiding aged 16… I guess I did deserve that one but it didn’t need to be so bad.
- Trying to kill myself all those millions of times… I hate to admit it but also considering doing it a few months back… I wont tho I have a new lease on life… life is an opportunity too good to pass up.
- Mom’s suicide attempt… not good for me, grew up with so much resentment towards her as if I didn’t think little of her already… I also think I’m the only one of the kids who really knows about it… how could I forget, I found her body convulsing…
- My 1st kiss was also forced on me… I felt so violated… trapped… hated men… thort that that was all they’r all after and always said that I’ll never ‘make love’ if I ever have intercourse it would probably be forced on me too… careful wot u wish for… being a tomboy I also physically bullied guys… taking back some of the power they kept taking from me.
- Got a lot of attention from boys around that time in my life looking back I really was cute back then… I was labelled ice queen… so wot who cares… growing up I was always told I’m beautiful… being an attractive girl was not a blessing for me I hated my looks and blamed them for the way men constantly chose to abuse me, so I became a fatty… but fat chics r sexy too… didn’t make much difference.
- wen I became interested in boys… they were just that… boys… the younger they r the less likely they wud want to have sex like older guys would…
- always felt like the duck among the swans wen with my varsity friends… got only the ugly guys.. then I ‘slipped’ I met an older guy… he seemed so sweet and nice… I was alone with him only twice and that second time he rapes me… well he wanted to call it ‘making love’ and even after I said no and explained that I’d been abused and didn’t feel comfortable making love to someone I didn’t love… u always think u know how u’ll react in any situation… I froze… I didn’t give this man a beating like I thort I would in that situation… careful wot u wish for… I didn’t report it… I just wanted to forget it ever happened and make it disappear…
- became a real bitch towards men really quickly… they were all dogs in my eyes! Withdrew from my church and unfortunately also from my studies…
- dad’s company went bankrupt… go from having the best of anything to living hand to mouth.
- During one of their usual drunken fights while trying to get them to keep it down… mom pipes up that I’ll learn all about men some day and stop trying to cover for my dad… I lose it and blurt out that I know exactly wot men r like… I mention the abuse and the rape and shocked at myself I run off to my room… dad in after me… pushing and shoving me around interrogating me… screaming and shouting that I let those things happen to me, that it was all my fault.. he storms off leaving me there in a heap on the floor crying… for the 1st time since I was older, my mom holds me and cries with me and tells me she loves me and that its not my fault… and she called me baby… and she said she was sorry she wasn’t there for me… we’ve been close ever since. My dad and i… not even a little close.
- I spent my time on the internet, the only relationships I could handle were virtual ones… u get to be as open as u want… no fear of seeing someone’s reaction… it’s the most honest thing… u’re free to say wotever u want… I met a boy… he was so funny and sensitve… we fell inlove… i cant squeeze 4.5yrs into a paragraph… I moved 1100km away from everyone and everything I knew with no money… just a job. We struggled but we were really happy back then… until we weren’t so happy anymore… to cut a long story short… I was left feeling inadequate, ugly, insecure, not worthy and made to feel really stupid… and I cheated on him… but I’d warned him for over a yr prior to the cheating that wot I wasn’t getting at home I’d get somewhere else. he didnt change, we even went for therapy-which only explains one’s actions,it doesn’t solve the problems… we fell apart… it was a nasty break up mainly bcos we’d bought a house, power struggles.(we’ve since moved on and 2yrs later became good friends again) I had a run in with the law and on a separate occasion was beaten in the face by a bouncer in a club for no other reason than his steroids had just kicked in… anyway I was thrown out of the home I’d helped put together… out on the street. and stupidly just signed over my half amounting R175k to him... its only money, i'll make my own. i'm not materialistic so also left alot of my things there.. left with my clothes and a few kitchen items.
- Once again I struggled… I was on my own… and in a world of debt (enuf to buy a new car out the box)… no money for food at the end of the month… i rented an expensive little room from a freaky little pervert of a man that I really cud not afford, only cos it was close to work and even then, I walked an hr in the morning and at night in the dark to get to and from work… not having money made me spend even more money that I didn’t have cos in a warped and twisted way it made me feel better..
- I moved house again… could not stay with the freaky one... things started looking up… even got a new bf… I was really and truly happy… we were so inlove… there was no world outside us… and he helped me thru tough times, helped me believe in myself again… he helped me sort out so much of the issues I had in my head and my life… we always talked for hrs…helped me get a night job which would eventually help me clear my debt… then for reasons I’m sure his dragon mother would rather he didn’t exactly share with me too truthfully… I lost the love of my life… I had never felt so much pain in my life… I really wanted to die, yes i tried… there was absolutely nothing wrong in our relationship and ‘just like that’ its over and I’m supposed to accept it… now its easy to accept cos he’s changed so much that I don’t even like who he is now…
- I wanted to study, applied to a really good school. I made it thru the interview and worked my ass off to pay the non-refundable deposit (saved just more than a month’s salary) to get into a good private school and just couldn’t get any bank to finance it. Even if I worked the 2jobs for another yr I could only save for 1yrs tuition. And it was a full time course…
- At the same time got really sick… and for me to take a sick day at work u must know it was bad. I was haemorrhaging… and in extreme pain, so much so I couldn’t sleep, stand sit or walk. Went to see a gynaecologist… that experience was expensive.. felt violated… anyway, don’t think he knew wot he was talking about cos I asked if it’s my contraception and he said it wasn’t and to continue taking it… but every time I did… the bleeding and the pain started up again. Self diagnosis- stay off pill for yr till its out my system. Just hope I can still have kids.
- Left my job that I hated… had a fall out with ‘mother superior’ or ‘my regional bitch’ cant decide wot to call her but I can think of names that I cant publish here and would be blacklisted from the company forever… would go nowhere in that company… couldn’t go overseas like I planned as my payout wen I left was not enuf… and then I sat unemployed for 6 months…. going for job interviews... desperate... Suffering insomnia, comfort eating, loneliness and depression with suicidal tendancies…
- I’ve lived with only 2 regrets… I’ve hated myself for them… I was careless twice in my life and someone else paid dearly for my poor judgment… I don’t care if my choices end up hurting me cos I know I can handle pretty much anything life dishes out… well I think my history speaks for itself but wen someone else is hurt and has to deal with pain that I could have prevented, it hurts me a million times more than it would, if it were to happen to ME… sorry mom… u’re a big girl so I know u handled that situation… but I’m so so so sorry Dana. It still breaks my heart to think about it and u were and still are such a brave and beautiful girl. I’m sorry I didn’t take revenge… but karma will sort that out.

having said all that... i have a new job, career making stuff this... which i love but i'm dreading going back to tomoro... i've been on leave for so long... grrr... i still have great friends who love me and a loving family and i'm on the hunt for a car... so things are really looking good for 2006

Foxtrot Unicorn Charlie Kilo

like OMG!!!

i check out my blog and its been almost a month since my last 'confession'... like WTF???

and today i was just soooo hectic that i completely left a couch surfer stranded... i feel like the lowest scum of the earth rite now... hope the dude is still in jhb... gotta make it up to him!!! shame man... hey dude welcome to SA...

u can call me....

i met with a old friend from high school... she left port elizabeth 12yrs ago... lived in jhb for 2yrs and moved to london... became a model who's face i saw on fashion tv... she even graced the covers of vogue and mags like that... she changed her name... and trust me the new name is much cooler....

from this day foreward i will be known as :

Jesse Dalton...

the 1st name is the name of a childhood pet

and the last name , the name of the street i lived on when i was growing up...

i think its sounds pretty cool

(heard that's how u come up with a stage name in a movie actually - i think it was 'full frontal')

this is me

The eternal quest is about finding urself and getting to know who u are. When u’re a kid u don’t know who u are, u actually don’t care… actually u didn’t know u needed to know. U wake up and life’s a big adventure, ure bright eyed, innocent, pure, not a care in the world, always learning, na?ve and invincible, not jaded, not afraid to run, jump, fall, get hurt or speak ur mind, ur only plans are what toy to play with today…

(I guess times have changed and its all about ps2 and x-box now)

but its cool being a kid… generally speaking that is… I have my own box of skeletons but all in all it was cool growing up…
its all about perspective… and as u grow ur perspective changes…

Teen yrs… ah awkward puberty… luckily for me I didn’t have to battle with acne or spots… my only problem was growing boobs, I couldn’t handle the attention they got… loved and hated the attention… its worse for boys tho… I remember laughing my ass off at their voices breaking… anyway… as a teen I thort I knew who I was… thort I had it all figured out… teens generally care too much about wot others think… once again I was lucky, in that I didn’t care wot others thort of me… I still don’t… anything but ordinary, little miss non-conformist I like to call myself, dare to be different…To be like everyone else would be so boring… Eccentric… Freaky… Unconventional… Strange… Weird… Wacky… Doesn’t matter… I’m honest…I stand out…I have fun… I’m fun to be around… no matter wot I’m going through I’m always smiling. I’m different. I am me and I’m not easily forgotten.

perspective changes from teens to early 20’s… once again u think u’ve found urself and u have it all figured out… moved 1200km away from home, had a long time bf, bort a house, planned to get married and have kiddies…

now at 27 (almost 28) perspective has changed once again… no longer with the 1st boyfriend, not even with the 2nd one anymore either… now working on a career as opposed to the silly little job I had… even my plans for the future have change… and my focus>>> is me… me njoying life, njoying my family and njoying my friends… I look back and read my old diaries and I laugh at the way I used to think… and I thort I knew who I was and that, that was who I was gonna be forever… its amazing how much I’ve grown… and probably continue to grow… of course we cant change that much… the foundations of our personalities will always be there…

I love who I am now…

and I welcome the next phase of this metamorphosis…

bring on the early 30’s

time on my hands...

... and thorts in my head...

geez

i just read thru every post i've eva written

and its weird how much time u have on ur hands

is relative to how much u have to say...

my 1st post compared to my previous post...

well its not so much about how much i have to say...

({[quantity vs quality]})

i just find my earlier posts are more entertaining...

if i just stumbled accross this blog and read just october's posts...

i wouldnt bother with the rest...

mmm

...mental note to self...

think before u write

the sweet smell of...

technology...

it bites...

as much as it makes life easier it also makes it harder wen it fails. we depend so much on computers and similar machinery but if we'r without that convenience (even for a few hrs) u can lose a days worth of productivity.

today for example - i'm supposed to receive faxes from agents all over the country... but not just regular faxes, web faxes (they end up going straight to my personal email inbox)... the information i get from these, i then put into a spread sheet, then make the neccesary graphs and shit, and finally draw up a presentation for our clients... my biggest campaign (all R2mils of it) didnt run this weekend, thank gawd!!!

but the little baby campaign did... so i really didnt have that much to do today, but our server was down,(no external mail or freaken faxes coming in) then at 2:30pm it was sorted out... but by this time there was one hell of a backlog that by 5pm (once my boss had told me not to worry about it and to do it 1st thing tomoro morning) i still hadnt received a thing

(sorry for being a pain mr IT guy)
i of course didnt know that the faxes werent coming in becos of this and proceeded to hound my local promoters and of course the agents dealing with the rest of the country, thinking they'd all just sent it to the wrong number

i called EVERYBODY, TWICE

(fyi i'm new and they may not have all my contact details)

so... i look forward to tomoro...

*takes a sip from the glass of red wine*

wot???!!!! i know its a school nite... oh sshh... its been a long day!!!!

...sigh...

u know wot sux... i dont have time for my blog anymore... i sit at work all day with an open internet line... but i'm just so swampt with work i barely manage to check emails... let alone think up stuff to write, then i get home and work on my laptop for hrs... and go to sleep at 1... like i'm about to do now... sigh... i miss it... i love writing... i love too many things...

Life is Beautiful

wot is it about having a job that makes u feel valued... worth something!!! like u actually make a difference in the world... granted i make a difference in ppl's lives without having a job... but now i feel important, needed,as opposed to insignificant... even if i won the lotto jackpot i'd still work. if i didnt i'd drive myself insane... of course i could shop, travel, take up hobbies, learn languages, instruments, dance and all kinds of things... but once u've done it all.... then wot??

VACANCY

new position, available immediately. applicant must have no will to live and be willing to die for nothing. all applicants will be considered. no closing date for applications. applications to be sent to the bali suicide bomber association.

this is heart breaking... but y must innocent people... children... be caught in the cross fire of a mess such as this?? there r really sick ppl out there... with no regard for human life. i dont care wot u wana do to urself but dont hurt others!!!!

wot a day...

so i got a job working as a campaign manager for a marketing company... they needed me to start yesterday... my 1st day on the job was quite hectic.. yes i know wot u're thinking~ i've been out of work so long i dont remember how hectic real work actually is but i must tell u that the staff turnover at this place is so high... cos the pressure is so high... and many ppl dont stick around very long...one chic resigned today... hence the hectic workload on day one... today being day 2... even worse... but i must say i enjoy it! also i'd rather be stressed about work than stress about having no work...

sigh

the whole package is really cool... more about that another day,now...

its time for bed...

not used to waking up so early or doing so much work

i'm knackered!

sexy on a man

mmm... mmm... mmm.....

mmm... i love pink on a man rite now...

i love undies on a man... but not wen its baggy and ends up looking like poopy pants... its not even about having an underwear model's physic... rather get them in a smaller size... i wanna see ur sexy ass :)

tears are so sexy on a man... its so touching wen a man cries infront of u... it just about breaks my heart... i just wish they'd do it more often... or rather that more of them would do it... it's like they've been programmed into thinking they'r not allowed... there's nothing wrong with it at all... its such a turn on for me... plus... why bottle everything up???

need i say more.....??? man holding baby... mmm... so sexy

i love a man who can fix stuff... i dont see the point in calling someone in to do something u could do urself... most guys today just dont have a clue... and please... no plumber bum!

men in uniform r so sexy... ooh..ooh... pick me, pick me... i'm a pyromaniac... grrrowl....

i cook very well... and i love food... but a man who can cook is soooo sexy... of course if he can pull off the naked chef look thats even better...

lastly .... there's only one more thing that i can think of that would look uber sexy on a man rite now... (except for me of course)that would have to be my fury white handcuffs...

oh boys... queue here... he he he

thort for the day

DONT FROWN!! u never know who could be falling inlove with your smile ;)

i live...

because i open my eyes every morning.

that means i still have something to achieve in this life!

Proudly South African

in my opinion Prime Circle is the best rock band to come out of SA...

i love their music and they've just launched a new album...

cant wait for it!!

i just love ross the lead singer (2nd from the left) OMG!!!!

his voice sends shivers down my spine and he's sooo hot...

he's got this baby face thing going with a deep husky voice

(like that guy from the calling)
www.primecircle.co.za

ah....chocolate...

so many things in this life are overrated....
hey even life is overrated...
but in my opinion there are 5 things that arent....

• chocolate
• great sex
• good music
• true friends
• travel

CONfindence

I was always successful in every interview I went to… even turned down a couple job offers in my life…. But now I don’t have any faith in myself anymore… no confidence… unemployed for 5mnths now and so much rejection I’m starting to believe I’m not good for anything… I even applied for a clerical position where I know I’d be bored every single day, the salary was much lower than I’m used to but I need the job and even they don’t want me… the desperation must come across in the interview…. I’m supposed to CON ppl into thinking I’m the right person for the job… how am I supposed to sell myself in interviews wen I don’t believe I’m good enuf myself? This lack of confidence flows over to other areas of my life too… my friends… bless their souls… I love them all to bits… I’m invited out, I even get onto guest lists which is awesome… sometimes ppl say they’r broke but they classify having less than R3k in their accounts as being broke… wen I say I’m broke I mean I cant even buy myself 1drink wen I go out… and I cannot stand having someone pay my way… I know they mean well and I really appreciate it but it makes me feel uncomfortable… I'm afraid to order water cos they mite just ask me "still or sparkling?"… then there’s men… maybe if I wasn’t so lonely and someone liked me I’d like myself again… but even the guy that I was sorta maybe kinda interested in who actually wanted to date me has lost interest… the last time I saw him he was so keen to see me again but even he’s ignoring me… I guess I should be happy i still have my health… so... here I am feeling all poofy… feeling ugly, feeling stupid and feeling low.

huh???

i just dont get it. blonde girl walks in, nothing spectacular about her at all... i can say this cos i can certainly admire a beautiful woman... face, body-boobs and bum, height.... nothing special.... but guys drool!!!! i'm not saying that there arent gorgeous blondes out there... there are... but if u're blonde (and possibly fugly) guys think u're hot. its like a birth right or something... i still dont get it... i've seen girls go from plain looking blonde bimbo to sexy sultry brunette vixen... but guys just dont c it!!

please explain it to me!!

oh look....

the insomnia is back... its lovely cos it puts me in such a fantastic mood my day is practically ruined. the funny thing is that i probably wont sleep tonite cos i'm in such a bad mood... AARGH!!!! i need sex!

dead like me...

life is short and death is long… so they say… imagine a life without purpose, a life without love, a lonely life, a life without a job no matter how much u try, a life without work means no money and u can do nothing but wait on ur own all day and all nite, a life without happiness and a life without goals-well u may have goals, but if u cant achieve them due to limited resources then u mite as well not have goals at all… so wots the difference, this life feels a lot like death to me….

stress related

lets c, there’s weight loss (or in my case weight gain, regardless of 5wks of training and eating rite) there’s the constant bad mood/suicidal/depression/frustration probably also has to do with the whole quitting smoking thing, then there's also the upset tummy which is aggravated by the consumption of junk food, the interviews have been fun but the lack of job offers leaves me feeling worthless and inadequate… this is embarrassing but there’s the sweaty feet problem (don’t ask) and there’s the insomnia… and all of this leaves me even more depressed than i was… no job, no money, fat body, lonely, want a man, tired, sweaty feet and all I want is a ciggie. I mean rather that than have a drink rite??? well rite now I got the insomnia in check…. Its been a week of sleep… deep DEEP sleep… I have a collection of crystals and I used to sleep with them under my pillow and take them where ever I went but somehow with all the travelling I’d been doing, lost them, more like forgot about them…so I find them, meditate a little put them under my pillow and proceed to have the best sleep I’ve probably had in months… waking up was a mission…. Even without meditating I sleep so deeply I struggle to wake up. So if I meditate just rite maybe I wont wake up… maybe I’ll die in my sleep… u know u can do that- the mind is a powerful thing, I knew a woman who died that way… she’d lost her will to live and we saw her a week before and she seemed different and in retrospect she probably knew that was the last time we’d see her…alive that is… I’m just so tired of ‘hanging in there’ i wana get away.. maybe I’m not ready to die but I’m so tired of this struggle its been 5months and I know ‘everything happens for a reason be patient’ blab bla bla ‘the rite job/man will come ur way’ bla bla… i wanna pack wot I need and disappear, travel into deepest darkest Africa…
on expidition in malawi and mozamique I met so many ppl from all over the world just doing that… no care in the world other than income for which they relied on odd jobs and shelter which they got from the many generous ppl they met along the way and they’d travel from village to city, from country to country… mmm...

typical

earlier this morning i type a really long post and just as i'm about to publish the damn think my pc bombs on me... i entually come back logon... click on 'recover post' and there's nothing there.. aargh!!! this week can only get worse!

Hypocrits

mmm... thats wot u call someone who tells u wot to do or wot not to do, they may give u reasons, yet they then go and do the exact opposite of wot they expext of u.its that whole 'do as i say not as i do' crowd... the type to say 'learn from my mistakes'.
now wot do u call someone who tells u not to do something for wot eva reason but they themselves have never done it and would have no idea wot its like. so cant actually give proper 'guidence' , i'd sooner listen to the hypocrit cos at least they know wot they're talking about wen they tell u not to do something.
back to that other person again... that's the type who would judge ppl and pigeon-hole them, not realsiing that things are not just black and white... in this modern society there sooo much room for grey (it may be a boring colour, but its actually fun living in the grey area) i know know... morally or religiously not such a great idea... society has changed, specifically for the worst, but certain things may not be that bad anymore...

• piercings and tattoos : the conservative folk have it in their heads that only punks and bikers have those and if u have them too... they expect u to ride around on a chopper in tite leather and ripped denim ready for a brawl, i guess they expect some body odour too
• shaving ur pubez : only promiscuous girls do that
• dont maturbate : u'll grow hairy palms. well i do, and my palms look fine to me... i'd rather relieve the tension in this way than running around being promiscuous... nothing wrong with solo sex. plus it relieves stress. all i wanna know is, how often, is too often???
• living in sin : how on earth r u supposed to really get to know someone enuf for u to want to spend the rest of ur life with them, until u live with them and see if u can live with each others habits. no wonder the divorse rate is so high.
• dont wear revealing clothing : u'll be raped... granted u mite be, stats say that 1 in 3 women in this country will be raped at least once in her lifetime, but then explain to me why grannies, babies, and toddlers r raped too these days... they dress too provocatively????
• no sex b4 marriage : i know how green i was wen i first started, no i wasnt married, i did wait till i was almost 22, but i wasnt married and i was ready. but i played around experimenting and learning how to do things. having skills in the bedroom may make it harder for hubby to get bored and cheat... neglecting wifey who then may also cheat (que that divorse rate again)

i can go on and on about this, but the point is : wot do we call these ppl... wise???

temporary insanity

i wouldnt be able to kill another human being, just like that. i couldnt do it for money either, unless i was 200% sure this person was pure unadulterated evil and the whole world would be better off without them in it - like robert mugabe

other than that it would have to be out of self defense or to avenge the murder of a family member or a close friend(they'r like family anyway) i'd have to plead temporary insanity tho, cos there's no way they'd believe me wen they find the mangled body.

i dont want to shoot someone or break their neck or use poison,electricution, forced drowning, suffocation or strangulation.

in the case of self defense i'd prefer to stab them to death, i know thats messy but as sick and demented as it may sound, it would be satisfying...

and to avenge a loved one, i'd chose to physically torture them for days or weeks, however long it takes, all depends on how long it takes them to decide to die...

temporary insanity... i swear... its not premeditated at all!!!

the complete idiots guide to me

Chapter 1 :
How to resolve an issue

• confront me
• u'll have ur say
• i'll have mine
• apologies will be made

Warning : u must listen wen i tell u to let it go, cos in time it'll blow over. i'm pretty easy going and in a few days all will be forgotten.

i know myself all too well and i know exactly how i'm gonna react if u wanna drag it out and turn it into a bigger issue than it was to begin with, specially since we've each stated our case and apologies have been accepted and u've heard the warning.

and heaven help u (cos only heaven can,actually) i hate fighting but if u want to summon the bitch, the little fight will turn into a full blown war (cos u clearly wont back off) and i will not back off until i've buried ur unrecognisable mauled corpse in my back yard, along side that big issue u've created.

its simple : heed the warning!

We are nothing

we r nothing by timo maas

i'm a believer,
well thats not strictly true
i'm more of a make-believer
but it sort of adds up to the same thing.
here in the lap of the Gods neither party holds a universal truth of my hopes that r like litter on the open road for everybody to drive thru. teetering on the swarf,
my physical limitations dwarfed just by the wonder of living,
brought on from no real reason other than just the wonder of life
and now, being wot i want to be catches up so fast with me,
i have to make up better and newer possibilities just to keep up with myself
and nothing is a problem.
my mouth dry for the heat of endless possible futures
and the sweet promise of tomoro quenching my thirst.
all we need to do now is cheat death for as long as we can,
so that wen the day finally comes
we can pull a clean sheet from our pockets
and write down all that we have achieved,
all that we have seen,
to make sure we have left nothing behind
we r nothing
we r nothing
we r nothing other than that, that we give away for free
we r nothng but the sum total of our parts

mr sandman...

the lack of sleep is really starting to get to me... INSOMNIA>>> i'm edgy and irritable and its not helping the mild depression either... soon i'm sure i wont be able to function as a normal person. i keep thinking all i need is just 1 good nite's sleep... i guess thats not true.. cos in the last 10 weeks i've probably only had 14 good nites and thats just not good enuf... i really just want to sleep.
wen it started my problem was falling asleep, it was either lying there thinking about stupid meaningless crap... and probably fall asleep 2hrs later, but it turned into thinking about serious things and wen its serious, u will not sleep.
sometimes its not the thinking, i find i'm just not comfortable, so i try 2 pillows, then 1 again, then no pillows, then sleep on back, then on either side or stomach... its ridiculous.
i try staying up late watching tv till i'm near exhaustion... everyone knows how easy it is to fall asleep watching a little tele... still not a good 8hrs sleep tho... also tried the warm milk or the hot bath or excersize...
so i try herbal sleeping pills and i fall asleep... but that in itself is stil a bit of a process but it stil helps... it also helps if u have a hairy drink to wash it down with... until 1 nite, i'd taken 2pills around 11, it was 2am when i took another 3... slept well but thats not how it should work... i dont want to have to take pills every night...
new problem... i fall asleep on my own, and wake up at 3am for instance and i lay there... wide awake for hrs... hoping i'm just gonna doze off at any minute, too lazy to get out of bed to take pills, also afraid i take them and i dont wake up on time...
so here i am... writing posts til 4 in the morning...

us girls r worse than u think...

i think there's a misconception that we're nice. i must admit i can only speak for me and the girls who i know well, when i say we'r not. well we r nice but we're still only human. we burp, we fart, we go poopee, we grow the hair on our legs in winter(its cold damit),we perve on guys and yes, we can and will be crude about it. i think in my little circle i maybe the most crude. sometimes, even i'm shocked at the words that come out of my mouth...
but i'll only fill u in on funny things that we come up with on the perving missions:

• Hit and Run mission>>> kinda like the accident really, cos thats just wot its gonna be: an accident. find him, snog him and run away. u dont want to stick around too long cos u dont want to exchange numbers. u can let him buy u a drink if u want but i dont recommend it. also he may become all territorial on u and become too touchy feely and ppl will think u're together. we usually use this tactic wen the self esteem is low, its just so u know u've still got ur mojo...
• Oh look girls, a Buffet>>> a group of hot men out together and hopefully single... this is perfect wen u're out in a group with all the girls...
• Sausage fest>>> well this is wot happens wen we go out and the place is swarming with hot men, and they completely out number the women, kinda like serious all u can eat Buffet.
• Tag and Release>>> this is in the unfortunate case where we happen to go out and it feels like its a student nite or something and all the 'men' r actually boys... its ok to fool around a little...(a possible hit and run mission) but thats as far as it should go. so if u catch 1 in ur snare, have fun, tag it and release it and one day wen it's big (and manly), track it down. from my experience, dont be fooled tho... i dunno wot they'r feeding the kids today but some of these boys look like they'r men in their mid20's so be careful, these little guys love older women and as flattering as it may be, their little obsession with u can become rather annoying!!

suicidal bunnies

i walk alot. everyone knows this and they all think i'm loco... i love walking, it helps me think, clear my head or just blow off steam! a few yrs back while going thru the long and ugly break up with my first boyfriend, we argued alot. and one day after hanging up the fone with him, i just needed to vent, but being at work it wasnt easy, i hate crying. couldnt really go for a long walk.. so i just walked into the nearest book shop, walked up and down the isles, look around but not really looking at anything at all either... i grabbed a book of the shelf called The Book Of The Bunny Suicides. started paging thru it and soon felt 1000 times better. its so sad its funny, its a book of illustrations, all in black and white. all about the different ways these bunnies try to kill themselves... u have to laugh, i immediately felt beta. and whenever i'd feel down i'd go and have a look at it and feel better... i know its lame but it works for me. but that was ages ago, i've since stopped working there... and after the break up was final, didnt need to see the book...
years later, when my sister was visiting me in december, she sms's me from somewhere in the mall i worked in, feeling down and sorry for herself... i sms her telling her to meet me at a branch of the same book shop in 5mins. we meet and i walked up and down the isles, not sure if they would still have this silly little book on their shelves so many yrs later, she was confused, not sure wot her crazy sister was up to... and would u believe it, i found it, said 'here page thru this'... her tears soon turned into laughter. i had completely forgotten all about the book until she sms'd me... no-one knew about my little walking missions to check out the dead bunnies... that Christmas wen we exchanged gifts i opened mine only to find that book... that is the best present i have ever received, it really meant alot to me.

the game

i believe u can have who ever u want...
it all comes down to how u play the game...
one nite while out with my friends in december, when my little sister was in town, we were at a pool bar, i stood for about an hr perving on the hottest guy in the place. my sister tells me that he's so hot, i tell her i noticed him when we walked in and was trying not to slip and fall on my drool... she then tells me she will score him... i watched in amazement as my then 17yr old sister, 9yrs my junior, walked over to him in full confidence and started chatting to him... within 20mins he was on her like flies on shit.
as far as i'm concerned nothing is sexier than confindence... that oozing of sex appeal is irresistable...
a pretty girl, with a hot body isnt neccesarily sexy... its not wot u wear or how little u wear but rather how u carry urself, having that 'presence'... ppl notice u wen u walk into a room... not just walk>>> u strut!!
in my unbiased opinion my sister is beautiful, she may not have the greatest bod, but she sure as hell oozes sex appeal... so do i... except that i would never have the balls to approach any man and start up a conversation... fear of rejection... without sounding vain, i wasnt always as hot as i am now and know all too well how shitty it feels being constantly dissed by guys... 'take one for the team' kinda nasty...
so this means u can have any man u want, its all about havin the rite attitude,
my big problem is that i completely lose the plot wen it comes to guys i really like. instead of letting out my usual brain farts, i experience a brain freeze. afraid to be as funny, as insightful, as intelligent, as confident or as affectionate as i really am. too scared the real me isnt good enuf...they dont get to know all of ME fully and wen they bugger off, i say its cool cos they didnt really know me anyway... but then with guys i'm not into, i am myself... i have lots of guy friends, i dont really get on well with girls, specially girly girls... u know the kind-gossips-cries when they break a nail-need a man to do things for her like carry heavy things-change a lite bulb and 2pid things like that... Aargh!! the only girl-friends i have are chics like me. anyway so i end up with a string of fans, who are my friends who i'm not into like that.... they think i'm the coolest chic and wanna date me... and i just couldnt, it would be like incest... ah, the hard life of a sex goddess!

I LIE . . .

so i started this blog cos its a place where i can express myself...

get all those thorts out there...

all those feeling and ideas and stupid little brain farts....

its like 'closure' for my soul, sorta.

cos once its out there in letters in front of u...

by u, i of course mean me,

u actually feel a bit better...

but here's my problem tho...

its all fine and well its cool for me to read thru it time and again ...

and i always say i dont care wot other ppl think...

but thats a lie..

wen it comes to my writing i do actually care...

i want to know...

i want ur opinions!!!!

i want critics!!!

just so i can say:

stuff u.. mo fo.... i dont care!!! he he he...

it never rains...

when u are me....
who did i piss off in a previous life???
well i'm sorry... really i am,
can i please start living a good life??
huh? is that too much to ask??
i'm just so tired of all this....

the very worst part of YOU is me...

LINKIN PARK - "Lying From You"
I remember what they taught to me
Remember condescending talk of who I ought to be

this is about my x...
spoke to him today...
its such a shame tho...
cos rite now i'd be happier
if i never saw or heard from him again!
a month before we broke up,
or rather he broke up with me,
his darling mom has an hour long discussion with him
about her true feelings regarding our relationship...
and she feels he should date someone more like him:
ambitious, a professional or studying to be one,
coming from the same 'socio economic' background,
and with the same religious beliefs ....

not long afta that discussion,
he calls me and we have a little hour long discussion of our own :
telling me he loves me, doesnt care wot his mom says,
i make him happy, happier than he's ever been,
he may depend on his parents for everything but
if it means we run away, start a life
and leave all this behind then so be it.
his happiness should be more important to her
than the status of his girlfriend,
future wife... bla bla bla...

of course i wasnt only surprised wen
the break up happened a month lata...
i was angry!
y not just break up with me that day cos mommy dearest said so...
y wait a month?
like i'm not gonna think its cos of wot she said.
i was hurt cos i couldnt change wot she hated most about me.

after speaking to him today i realised how much he's changed in the many months we'd been apart, how i dont think we can even be friends.
i'd avoid any contact with him cos it will only tarnish the memories i have of him. he's turned into exactly the type of person his darling mom would want him to be with: a self absorbed pretenscious yuppy

if i remember correctly i think the last time we slept together, after the break up, he made a big hooha about using protection, saying he knows about girls who just wana fall pregnant... like he forgot who he was talking to... he... well the old him knows that money doesnt interest me at all.. my family is extremely close and i would want only that for my kids. i dont want ur money, honey, i wanted ur love... no offense but i dont want to have the kid of someone who doesnt want me...

he's become a stranger, someone i dont even want to be associated with... it leaves me thinking that if we were still together now...
sorry babe, you'd be the very worst part of me...

just a notch in my bed post...

the other nite while having drinks with a couple of ppl we ended up playing a game called 'i have never'... and how it works is: u deny the truth and everyone else who has done the same thing puts up their hand.... for example i say : i have never skinny dipped. (of course i have but the point is to deny the truth) and all those who have done it put up their hands and can have a drink. u basically go round the circle. after a couple of drinks u can just imagine how the game soon turns sexual... u get to learn alot about ppl that way. yay!!! i'm not the only norty person i know.

after this we played a game of 'truth or truth' which is not as much fun, specially cos u have to direct a specific question to a specific person, also after playing the other game there's not much u dont already know... anyway... one of the girls playing was asked how many sexual partners she's had, she pipes up saying that she actually counted it the other day and its 67.5. she said that for 2yrs she thort she was lesbian and she counts girls as a half... i asked her how old she was and she's 23... one of the guys playing was asked the same question and he said its around 220- ish... maybe more... and he's 28. it made me feel sick to my stomach... do u even know all their names??? ew!!!

i'm 27 and i was disgusted in myslf wen i got to number 11... sent myself on such a guilt trip for days and weeks!!!! i just wanted to keep it at 10 for as long as possible... cos its sorta like 2 for every yr i'v been sexually active... it doenst sound quite as bad as that guy, who realistically speaking could have been sexually active for 12yrs... thats 18 girls per yr for 12yrs ... his annual figure is 5.5ppl more than the amount of ppl i've ever been with... yes that means i've been with a girl...

now i'm not sure if i should change the way i think cos apparently other ppl dont think the way i do and are pretty open about it... so it must be normal.... or should i continue holding back... ???? (cos just maybe i was just with a weird crowd)

u kno u hav a problem wen....

u dont respect your friends....

anger, hurt and many tears

suicide>> i'm sure everyone has thort about it, maybe some have even tried... the success rate is supposed to be higher in men than it is in women. i was pretty much always thinking about it or trying to do it when i was growing up. hense the stats, women always 'chicken' out. from sexual abuse as a kid, to abusive parents (physical, emotional)...
the list goes on... wot eva said 'harmful if swallowed' i swallowed... if i heard 'thats poisonous' i ate it... but as soon as i started feeling sick... i'd just eat dry bread or drink shit loads of milk... cleaned out the medicine cabinate once swallowed anything that may lead to drowziness... slept but i woke up... even tried the wrist slashing thing.. i was too afraid of the pain... so my little half arsed attempts at slitting my wrists gave birth to wots called self mutilation or self abuse, hense all the scars no-one asks me about.
when i was about 15yrs old i swore never to try to kill myself again... that feels like a life time ago... i've been through so much shit since then. around midnite sometime in january 1994 i heard my dogs making a commotion outside in the back yard. thats where i found someone close to me lying in a pool of her own vomit. she looked like she was suffering, reaching out, desperate for help... with the strong stench of some or other industrial detergent in the air. i was the only one who was still awake... i'm scared to think of wot mite have happened if i wasnt. we rushed her to hospital she had her stomach pumped and she was going to be ok. i didnt go with them to the hospital, being the eldest child i stayed to watch the little ones. as i sat there the anger boiled inside me, i was so annoyed that she would even do such a thing knowing that we needed her... i couldnt believe how selfish she was and i hated her for that. and thats wen i decided that i love everyone too much to ever let them feel the way i did that nite. no-ne talks about that nite, its like it never happened, i'm not even sure if the little ones knew wot actually happened. my relationship with my mom wasnt great for a few yrs after that, i resented her... everytime she would give me shit i was sorry i saved her. but our relationship is so cool now, as i say, that was a life time ago, so much has happened since and she's been there for me... wen i've really needed her the most.

ah.... spring....

its the 1st of september...

the 1st day of spring...

the birds r singing,

u hear children laughing and playing,

there's a hint of jasmin in the air

the sun is shining,

everyone is bouncing around with THAT spring in their step

(excuse me while i vomit)

i've been thinking i've been single long enuf now...

been lonely long enuf now,

been missing all the little things long enuf now

and i'm sure this is way out of the 'rebound' relationship phase...

rite???