stress related

lets c, there’s weight loss (or in my case weight gain, regardless of 5wks of training and eating rite) there’s the constant bad mood/suicidal/depression/frustration probably also has to do with the whole quitting smoking thing, then there's also the upset tummy which is aggravated by the consumption of junk food, the interviews have been fun but the lack of job offers leaves me feeling worthless and inadequate… this is embarrassing but there’s the sweaty feet problem (don’t ask) and there’s the insomnia… and all of this leaves me even more depressed than i was… no job, no money, fat body, lonely, want a man, tired, sweaty feet and all I want is a ciggie. I mean rather that than have a drink rite??? well rite now I got the insomnia in check…. Its been a week of sleep… deep DEEP sleep… I have a collection of crystals and I used to sleep with them under my pillow and take them where ever I went but somehow with all the travelling I’d been doing, lost them, more like forgot about them…so I find them, meditate a little put them under my pillow and proceed to have the best sleep I’ve probably had in months… waking up was a mission…. Even without meditating I sleep so deeply I struggle to wake up. So if I meditate just rite maybe I wont wake up… maybe I’ll die in my sleep… u know u can do that- the mind is a powerful thing, I knew a woman who died that way… she’d lost her will to live and we saw her a week before and she seemed different and in retrospect she probably knew that was the last time we’d see her…alive that is… I’m just so tired of ‘hanging in there’ i wana get away.. maybe I’m not ready to die but I’m so tired of this struggle its been 5months and I know ‘everything happens for a reason be patient’ blab bla bla ‘the rite job/man will come ur way’ bla bla… i wanna pack wot I need and disappear, travel into deepest darkest Africa…
on expidition in malawi and mozamique I met so many ppl from all over the world just doing that… no care in the world other than income for which they relied on odd jobs and shelter which they got from the many generous ppl they met along the way and they’d travel from village to city, from country to country… mmm...