anger, hurt and many tears

suicide>> i'm sure everyone has thort about it, maybe some have even tried... the success rate is supposed to be higher in men than it is in women. i was pretty much always thinking about it or trying to do it when i was growing up. hense the stats, women always 'chicken' out. from sexual abuse as a kid, to abusive parents (physical, emotional)...
the list goes on... wot eva said 'harmful if swallowed' i swallowed... if i heard 'thats poisonous' i ate it... but as soon as i started feeling sick... i'd just eat dry bread or drink shit loads of milk... cleaned out the medicine cabinate once swallowed anything that may lead to drowziness... slept but i woke up... even tried the wrist slashing thing.. i was too afraid of the pain... so my little half arsed attempts at slitting my wrists gave birth to wots called self mutilation or self abuse, hense all the scars no-one asks me about.
when i was about 15yrs old i swore never to try to kill myself again... that feels like a life time ago... i've been through so much shit since then. around midnite sometime in january 1994 i heard my dogs making a commotion outside in the back yard. thats where i found someone close to me lying in a pool of her own vomit. she looked like she was suffering, reaching out, desperate for help... with the strong stench of some or other industrial detergent in the air. i was the only one who was still awake... i'm scared to think of wot mite have happened if i wasnt. we rushed her to hospital she had her stomach pumped and she was going to be ok. i didnt go with them to the hospital, being the eldest child i stayed to watch the little ones. as i sat there the anger boiled inside me, i was so annoyed that she would even do such a thing knowing that we needed her... i couldnt believe how selfish she was and i hated her for that. and thats wen i decided that i love everyone too much to ever let them feel the way i did that nite. no-ne talks about that nite, its like it never happened, i'm not even sure if the little ones knew wot actually happened. my relationship with my mom wasnt great for a few yrs after that, i resented her... everytime she would give me shit i was sorry i saved her. but our relationship is so cool now, as i say, that was a life time ago, so much has happened since and she's been there for me... wen i've really needed her the most.