i met with a old friend from high school... she left port elizabeth 12yrs ago... lived in jhb for 2yrs and moved to london... became a model who's face i saw on fashion tv... she even graced the covers of vogue and mags like that... she changed her name... and trust me the new name is much cooler.... The eternal quest is about finding urself and getting to know who u are. When u’re a kid u don’t know who u are, u actually don’t care… actually u didn’t know u needed to know. U wake up and life’s a big adventure, ure bright eyed, innocent, pure, not a care in the world, always learning, na?ve and invincible, not jaded, not afraid to run, jump, fall, get hurt or speak ur mind, ur only plans are what toy to play with today…
(I guess times have changed and its all about ps2 and x-box now)
but its cool being a kid… generally speaking that is… I have my own box of skeletons but all in all it was cool growing up…
its all about perspective… and as u grow ur perspective changes…
Teen yrs… ah awkward puberty… luckily for me I didn’t have to battle with acne or spots… my only problem was growing boobs, I couldn’t handle the attention they got… loved and hated the attention… its worse for boys tho… I remember laughing my ass off at their voices breaking… anyway… as a teen I thort I knew who I was… thort I had it all figured out… teens generally care too much about wot others think… once again I was lucky, in that I didn’t care wot others thort of me… I still don’t… anything but ordinary, little miss non-conformist I like to call myself, dare to be different…To be like everyone else would be so boring… Eccentric… Freaky… Unconventional… Strange… Weird… Wacky… Doesn’t matter… I’m honest…I stand out…I have fun… I’m fun to be around… no matter wot I’m going through I’m always smiling. I’m different. I am me and I’m not easily forgotten.
perspective changes from teens to early 20’s… once again u think u’ve found urself and u have it all figured out… moved 1200km away from home, had a long time bf, bort a house, planned to get married and have kiddies…
now at 27 (almost 28) perspective has changed once again… no longer with the 1st boyfriend, not even with the 2nd one anymore either… now working on a career as opposed to the silly little job I had… even my plans for the future have change… and my focus>>> is me… me njoying life, njoying my family and njoying my friends… I look back and read my old diaries and I laugh at the way I used to think… and I thort I knew who I was and that, that was who I was gonna be forever… its amazing how much I’ve grown… and probably continue to grow… of course we cant change that much… the foundations of our personalities will always be there…
I love who I am now…
and I welcome the next phase of this metamorphosis…
bring on the early 30’s
u know wot sux... i dont have time for my blog anymore... i sit at work all day with an open internet line... but i'm just so swampt with work i barely manage to check emails... let alone think up stuff to write, then i get home and work on my laptop for hrs... and go to sleep at 1... like i'm about to do now... sigh... i miss it... i love writing... i love too many things...
wot is it about having a job that makes u feel valued... worth something!!! like u actually make a difference in the world... granted i make a difference in ppl's lives without having a job... but now i feel important, needed,as opposed to insignificant... even if i won the lotto jackpot i'd still work. if i didnt i'd drive myself insane... of course i could shop, travel, take up hobbies, learn languages, instruments, dance and all kinds of things... but once u've done it all.... then wot?? 
so i got a job working as a campaign manager for a marketing company... they needed me to start yesterday... my 1st day on the job was quite hectic.. yes i know wot u're thinking~ i've been out of work so long i dont remember how hectic real work actually is but i must tell u that the staff turnover at this place is so high... cos the pressure is so high... and many ppl dont stick around very long...one chic resigned today... hence the hectic workload on day one... today being day 2... even worse... but i must say i enjoy it! also i'd rather be stressed about work than stress about having no work... 
mmm... mmm... mmm.....
mmm... i love pink on a man rite now... 
tears are so sexy on a man... its so touching wen a man cries infront of u... it just about breaks my heart... i just wish they'd do it more often... or rather that more of them would do it... it's like they've been programmed into thinking they'r not allowed... there's nothing wrong with it at all... its such a turn on for me... plus... why bottle everything up???
need i say more.....??? man holding baby... mmm... so sexy
i love a man who can fix stuff... i dont see the point in calling someone in to do something u could do urself... most guys today just dont have a clue... and please... no plumber bum!
men in uniform r so sexy... ooh..ooh... pick me, pick me... i'm a pyromaniac... grrrowl....
i cook very well... and i love food... but a man who can cook is soooo sexy... of course if he can pull off the naked chef look thats even better...
lastly .... there's only one more thing that i can think of that would look uber sexy on a man rite now... (except for me of course)that would have to be my fury white handcuffs...
I was always successful in every interview I went to… even turned down a couple job offers in my life…. But now I don’t have any faith in myself anymore… no confidence… unemployed for 5mnths now and so much rejection I’m starting to believe I’m not good for anything… I even applied for a clerical position where I know I’d be bored every single day, the salary was much lower than I’m used to but I need the job and even they don’t want me… the desperation must come across in the interview…. I’m supposed to CON ppl into thinking I’m the right person for the job… how am I supposed to sell myself in interviews wen I don’t believe I’m good enuf myself? This lack of confidence flows over to other areas of my life too… my friends… bless their souls… I love them all to bits… I’m invited out, I even get onto guest lists which is awesome… sometimes ppl say they’r broke but they classify having less than R3k in their accounts as being broke… wen I say I’m broke I mean I cant even buy myself 1drink wen I go out… and I cannot stand having someone pay my way… I know they mean well and I really appreciate it but it makes me feel uncomfortable… I'm afraid to order water cos they mite just ask me "still or sparkling?"… then there’s men… maybe if I wasn’t so lonely and someone liked me I’d like myself again… but even the guy that I was sorta maybe kinda interested in who actually wanted to date me has lost interest… the last time I saw him he was so keen to see me again but even he’s ignoring me… I guess I should be happy i still have my health… so... here I am feeling all poofy… feeling ugly, feeling stupid and feeling low.
i just dont get it. blonde girl walks in, nothing spectacular about her at all... i can say this cos i can certainly admire a beautiful woman... face, body-boobs and bum, height.... nothing special.... but guys drool!!!! i'm not saying that there arent gorgeous blondes out there... there are... but if u're blonde (and possibly fugly) guys think u're hot. its like a birth right or something... i still dont get it... i've seen girls go from plain looking blonde bimbo to sexy sultry brunette vixen... but guys just dont c it!! 
the insomnia is back... its lovely cos it puts me in such a fantastic mood my day is practically ruined. the funny thing is that i probably wont sleep tonite cos i'm in such a bad mood... AARGH!!!! i need sex!
this is embarrassing but there’s the sweaty feet problem (don’t ask) and there’s the insomnia… and all of this leaves me even more depressed than i was… no job, no money, fat body, lonely, want a man, tired, sweaty feet and all I want is a ciggie. I mean rather that than have a drink rite??? well rite now I got the insomnia in check…. Its been a week of sleep… deep DEEP sleep… I have a collection of crystals and I used to sleep with them under my pillow and take them where ever I went but somehow with all the travelling I’d been doing, lost them, more like forgot about them…so I find them, meditate a little put them under my pillow and proceed to have the best sleep I’ve probably had in months… waking up was a mission…. Even without meditating I sleep so deeply I struggle to wake up. So if I meditate just rite maybe I wont wake up… maybe I’ll die in my sleep… u know u can do that- the mind is a powerful thing, I knew a woman who died that way… she’d lost her will to live and we saw her a week before and she seemed different and in retrospect she probably knew that was the last time we’d see her…alive that is… I’m just so tired of ‘hanging in there’ i wana get away.. maybe I’m not ready to die but I’m so tired of this struggle its been 5months and I know ‘everything happens for a reason be patient’ blab bla bla ‘the rite job/man will come ur way’ bla bla… i wanna pack wot I need and disappear, travel into deepest darkest Africa… 
i can go on and on about this, but the point is : wot do we call these ppl... wise???
Warning : u must listen wen i tell u to let it go, cos in time it'll blow over. i'm pretty easy going and in a few days all will be forgotten.
i know myself all too well and i know exactly how i'm gonna react if u wanna drag it out and turn it into a bigger issue than it was to begin with, specially since we've each stated our case and apologies have been accepted and u've heard the warning.
and heaven help u (cos only heaven can,actually) i hate fighting but if u want to summon the bitch, the little fight will turn into a full blown war (cos u clearly wont back off) and i will not back off until i've buried ur unrecognisable mauled corpse in my back yard, along side that big issue u've created.
its simple : heed the warning!
i walk alot. everyone knows this and they all think i'm loco... i love walking, it helps me think, clear my head or just blow off steam! a few yrs back while going thru the long and ugly break up with my first boyfriend, we argued alot. and one day after hanging up the fone with him, i just needed to vent, but being at work it wasnt easy, i hate crying. couldnt really go for a long walk.. so i just walked into the nearest book shop, walked up and down the isles, look around but not really looking at anything at all either... i grabbed a book of the shelf called The Book Of The Bunny Suicides. started paging thru it and soon felt 1000 times better. its so sad its funny, its a book of illustrations, all in black and white. all about the different ways these bunnies try to kill themselves... u have to laugh, i immediately felt beta. and whenever i'd feel down i'd go and have a look at it and feel better... i know its lame but it works for me. but that was ages ago, i've since stopped working there... and after the break up was final, didnt need to see the book... 
i believe u can have who ever u want...
when u are me....
LINKIN PARK - "Lying From You"
suicide>> i'm sure everyone has thort about it, maybe some have even tried... the success rate is supposed to be higher in men than it is in women. i was pretty much always thinking about it or trying to do it when i was growing up. hense the stats, women always 'chicken' out. from sexual abuse as a kid, to abusive parents (physical, emotional)...
i was thinking of all the handles/nick's i've had when online in chat rooms. some were lame, some funny, some clever, some norty and provocative :
just had the worst accident ever... i was running really fast down the stairs here at my flat... the heal of my shoe broke, it just shattered into a million tiny pieces and i went falling down 4 flights of stairs, face first into a pack of menthols... damn! that hurt!!
i know... in milliseconds, seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, decades... and it goes on and on.... but.... wen is just now or lata? how long is forever? and wot about never?
