dance music, just the lyrics...

I got so much love to give.......
I got so much love to give.......
I got so much love to give.......
I got so much love to give.......
I got so much love to give.......
I got so much love to give.......
I got so much love.......
I got so much love to.......
I got so much love to give.......to you...........

its weird... i can still hear the music...
probably cos thats all i feel...so much love...
is a hug tooooo much to ask???
not just a normal hug, the kind u give ur f and f
one of those 2second ones...
I WANT A BIG HUG...
where u can actually feel someone is holding u
like they really do WANT to....

very norty sometimes...

i was thinking of all the handles/nick's i've had when online in chat rooms. some were lame, some funny, some clever, some norty and provocative :

Access Denied, Nort-e bi n8cha, Crazy sexy Cool, Horn Bunny, Fellatio, Slim Shady, Toxic, Slippery wen wet, Sweet like Chocol8, Damn UnPretty, Playgirl Bunny, Boogey Monsta, Phantom Menace, Trinity...
i really cant remember all of them...

cynical...

these words words in a song by one of my current favourite musicians jack johnson "I gave your friends all a chance But putting up with them Wasn’t worth never having you..."
this is how i feel about romantic relationships... i've lost hope in such a thing... i feel that dealing with all the pain u feel wen its over is sooo not worth never having loved at all...
been hearing guys talking to me lately
....yadda yadda
wanting to date me
....yakkity yak
how they'll never hurt me
....bla bla bla
i do hear u
i see ur lips moving
kinda looks like ur saying something
but i'm not listening
....sorry

pleased to meet u, i'm naive...

I dont know who to trust, no surprise
Everyone feels so far away from me
Happy thoughts sift through dust and the lies
Trying not to break, but I'm so tired of this deceit
Every time I try to make myself get back up on my feet
All I ever think about is this, all the tiring time between
And how trying to put my trust in you
Just takes so much out of me
I wont waste myself on you - Linkin Park 'From the inside'

there's a screening process that all ppl have to go thru in order for me to determine whether they're 'cool' enuf to be friends of mine. i dont mean cool as in popular... i merely mean cool as a friend. someone u can talk to at any time of day about anything and everything and nothing... with a true friend there is no such thing as an awkward silence... its someone u can just be urself with, just be.
i've been chatting to someone new for a short while now... and he made it into my 'inner cirle and all and all' but was suprise to find that i was deceived rite at the begginning and to avoid being bust i was showered with more lies. i figured being naive was something i'd out grown and i'd become tuffer and less gullable over the years... i really must stop putting so much faith in Mankind... well i guess i've grown in a sense, i refuse to allow ppl walk all over me as i would b4...

ouch!!!

just had the worst accident ever... i was running really fast down the stairs here at my flat... the heal of my shoe broke, it just shattered into a million tiny pieces and i went falling down 4 flights of stairs, face first into a pack of menthols... damn! that hurt!!

how we measure time

i know... in milliseconds, seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, decades... and it goes on and on.... but.... wen is just now or lata? how long is forever? and wot about never?

"i'll do it just now..." means wot exactly?? 5mins, 5hrs??

forever?? diamonds are forever... well that doesnt mean to infinity does it??? looking at relationships where u think ur in heaven and "we'll be together forever..." for me that forever can range between 1yr to 4.5 yrs... forever's pretty short wen u look at it this way.

wot about never... that means no rite... like wen we say "please or i'll never speak to u again..." or "i'll never shop there again..." or "i'll never drink booze again.."

i'm lazy, so wot....

so i'm out there cycling in the hot midday sun for an hr, with gale force winds breathing down my neck forcing me to use all my strength just to stay on the road so i avoid getting hit by any of the cars rushing around during lunch time traffic... and the last thing i wana do when i get home is to carry my bike up the stairs to the 3rd floor... sigh...

all the small things...

i miss the stuff
all the little things.... in a relationship
not even the comfort.... or even the security of it...
there i go again.... feeling all depro
the hugs and the silly sms's
the hand holding and that look from across the room,

pet names and playful teasing

the ass pinching and the tickle fites,

even the WWF chapionships that end in lurve making

the butterfly kisses

lying in bed and chatting till 3am

knowing their smell, not cologne but their smell

waking up next to someone and feeling like thats the moment u live for

falling asleep while giving a back tickle

or giving him a head rub to help him sleep

taking a bubble bath or shower together

making him coffee... just the way he likes it...

leaving little love notes hidding in amoungst his things

getting a single solitary red rose, just cos he loves me

mmm... its such a pity

i really miss it ... but at the same time

i really dont wana get hurt like that again

access denied!!!

does anyone even remember life before windows???? its hard to think we actually lived like that....
so like wots dos????
anyway, i remembered how we used to chat at varsity(b4 windows), all internal of course, my handle was ACCESS DENIED and my best friend was CRASH OVERRIDE... we thort those names were the shit... actually i still do. and we'd chat to ppl or just cause havoc, and some guy must have seen her handle while walking past and started chatting to her... calling himself ACID BURN. things were heating up. the thing is wen recieving a message, the computer would let out a loud beep so if u were chatting to someone in the same lab as u, u'd hear it beep for them... one day were login and start chatting and there's a beeping coming from one of the pc's in the lab... and there were so few of us it was easy to spot him... acid burn... cos thats wot his skin looked like... ew!!! we had so much fun at varsity....

say hello to my stinky little friend....

here are some of my fave quotes :

• all the things i like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening. alexander woolcott
• nobody can make u feel inferior without your permission. eleanor roosevelt
• happy endings are only stories that havnt ended yet. angelina jolie in mr and mrs smith
• in order to succeed u must fail, so that u know wot not to do next time. anon
• no one can be happy without a friend, nor be sure of his friend till he is unhappy. thomas fuller

http://www.eviltree.de/zoomquilt/zoom.htm

the problem with number 2...

have u ever had dribbly bum?? the runs?? And wot do they give u??? something to stop it rite… the problem with that, is… u find it constipates u… then u gotta take some kind of lax only to get the runs again…. eish!

i'm normal rite??

for someone who doesnt know me, going thru my fone will be quite a laugh, actually, even to someone who knows me it'll be a laugh. i have the funniest names for ppl and stuff on my fone...

• my memory card : i've called it alzheimers
• my sms tone : 'ring ring ring...'
• folder for video clips : mini mooveez
• folder for tones is split into 2 : kitch & cool (note to self : delete kitch)

the weird names i've given ppl are in alphabetical order:

• alan blue eyes : cos i know 2 and 1 has blue eyes, duh!!
• bee anchor = bianca
• brotha bear : my brother
• bugga off : u cross me, i change ur name... kapeesh!!
• danish poo pants : my sister
• doc crazy lady deborah : my theory on therapists is a whole new post althogher
• dude : my dad... yes, i call him dude...
• Hell No : its like a note-to-self wen smsing and scrollong down contact list, 'hell no' doesnt get 1
• marie bizkit : a nickname that just wont go away, sorry marie
• moo : my mom... yes, i call her moo
• no way in hell bruce ew ew : some freak i met on a sms chat thing
• psycho-boy-stoner-chic-beata : self explanatory i think. i know u must be thinking that i should delete the weirdo's but how will i know which calls to ignore??
• silly unhapi 'hapi boy' : love is blind
• thee darth fader : this guy always makes plans with me only to fade on me... ignore!!
• ZAdrian : adrian actually, last yr wen my x broke up with me i went on a sorrows drowning mission and wen trying to call him @1:30am i actidentally dialled the 1st number on my fone, got voicemail, needless to say his wife was not happy about the 'but i still love u ' message... moved his number to last on my fone.

BREAK STUFF!!!!!

i'm so mad rite now... FRUSTRATED!!!! and i dont wanna blame mars... well not entirely, but i just wana break stuff!!! its probably a combination of sexual frustration, not smoking anymore frustration, battling to find a job frustration and and and.... i just want a drag, just one... but gona drag my butt out on my bike.... Aargh!!!!!!

u get me...

ppl believe that ur soulmate is the 1, the 1 u have to marry, the ideal person out there for u and there 'can be only one'... so ppl spend their lives searching and hunting... i believe there can be more than just 1... and its not neccesarily a person of the opposite sex that u just have to have...
have u ever been drawn to someone, felt a spiritual connection...?
have u allowed the connection to blossem?? someone who knows exactly wot ur thinking without u really saying a word... (not refering to mind readers of course ha ha)
i have many soulmates, u know who u are, but the one of u, who i'm closest to we'll call Danish-Poo-Pants. if anyone on this planet knows anything and everything about me, its her. and she's my little sister. we have the weirdest relationship... we have our own language(not just pig latin), we'r always coming up with new things, we know how we think and know exactly the rite thing to say...how to make the other laugh or calm down... we're so alike in so many ways but at the same time it's hard to miss how unique and individual we really r...
thanx for these words Danish i hope u dont mind(they helped me alot):

• ah.. sissie, i hate not being around wen u cry. it hurts me so inside that i cant make ur insides not hurt. i love u very muchos!!!
• whoa pookie!!! breathe!!! dont let them stress u out. see now the hard life of a sex-goddess?
• but eventho it wont seem this way now, u can breathe! not only that, u can smile and laugh and dance. it may seem like ur walls r falling down but i know u and i know ur will is strong enuf 2 hold it together. ur not alone, ur free. its not the end its an opportunity. i love u pookie.
• ur a shining example of wot it means to survive. so many others give up and lose hope wen things suck, but u never have and i love u 4 that. my sissie is epic!

well miss Danish i dunno where i'd be if it werent for u... i'd have to get close to one of my other soulmates... but rite now, i got u babe...

aye aye captain!!!

i'm a gunner and proud of it. and for those who dont know, that means i'm a die-hard arsenal fc fan. now with patrick vierra gone the only logical choice for captain is thierry henry (my all time fave footballer) even i would have named him captain... he's got so much vision, drive, passion and pace and creates and follows through with so many opportunities its only fair that he be made captain... the team just isnt the same when henry isnt playing. mmm... after watching the game today, i looked around the field cos u know who was missing: not just vierra but henry... the problem is that he was there, he just wasnt playing as thierry henry the top english striker normally would, he played as thierry henry the captain would - where's the vision? where's the pace? where r the opportunities??
today was a sad day, i'm happy for ur promotion boy, but it sure as hell killed ur game.

opportunist men are poo!!!

bonnie tyler sings : where have all the good men gone??

i'm not a bonnie tyler fan but like her i'm wondering about the same thing. maybe i'm just hanging out with all the wrong guys at the moment (this is recent)and it seems they flock together too... they have a large following and i'm thinking: how many groups of men, like this, are there out there, should women be warned?? do women know or even care? do women think that all men are like this?? do women accept this?? should i?? or should i climb back into my cocoon??

i'm talking about the kind of guys who have LITTLE OR NO RESPECT FOR WOMEN and think that we'r all just here for a good time (even if she's so inebriated that she wont remember this, thats even better)

i've had LOTS of bad experiences with men in my past, starting at childhood and it has taken me MANY years to learn that i CAN actually trust them but now it seems that some of their species are letting the good men down...

the thing that worries me most, is this: all the guys that i've met already and i believe are good men, IS THAT IT? is that all of them?? how will i ever know?? i'm on the vurge of climbing back into my coccoon and letting only a select few in... by now i'm pretty good at sussing out the dodgy ones but there are those skilled enough who slip under my Dodge-Dude-raDar and surprise me... they come across as 'NICE' i just dont seem to see through the sheep's clothing until later... i think i must cherish all the good men in my life, i've only just realised how RARE they really are...

make love, not war...

so i'm waiting for this month to end... apparrently mars is in orbit and close to earth in the month of august... its supposed to peak on the 25th and in case u're wondering...and maybe once i've said it, it'll all make sense to u: in astrological terms mars represents the GOD OF WAR!!!
now if u think back to the last few weeks... how many arguements u've been in, how many of ur friends have or are on the vurge of breaking up...how's that road rage??? do u notice all the agression around u???

"Mars, the god of war, is tall and handsome, but vain and cruel. When Mars heard the clashing of arms, he grinned with glee, put on his gleaming helmet, and leapt into his war chariot. Brandishing his sword, he rushed into the thick of battle, not caring who won or lost as long as blood was shed. A vicious crowd followed at his heels, carrying with them Pain, Panic, Famine and Oblivion"

look mars isnt all bad...

"Mars is the action Planet of the Zodiac. Mars speaks to the power and confident expression of the individual. It's important to note that Mars's energy can be constructive or destructive. The God of War in ancient times, Mars could be brutally violent. While this energy still emanates from the Planet, it also asks us to harness this force for good. Stamina, ambition and achievement are all part of Mars' mantra.
Mars rules our sexuality and sexual energy, and governs weapons, accidents and surgery (the last two illustrating the yin and yang nature of this Planet). In the end, however, the energy of Mars can be quite useful if used properly.."

i'm a lover, not a fighter... so, while i take full advantage of the sexual energy that mars brings with it this month, maybe its time we all learnt to like things a little rough.... put that agression to some good use ;) viva le passion!!!

warranty conspiracy part II

so now it vibrates... and the battery has lasted me 2 days... this being day number 2... its on 4bars.... Aargh!!!!!!!!! was gonna take it in today but they wont believe me!!!!

its not nicotine part II
so i quit smoking on a wednesday this time...
see wot usually happens, as i mentioned befor, is that wen out drinking(usually on the weekend) we tend to smoke up a storm... so by sunday i wake up with that darth vader deep voice and that's wen i say i'm quitting on monday... and thusfar, the monday thing hasnt worked!! i also just realised that i dont like my ass and NEED to train again and cant do so while smoking... little miss emphysema weazing all over the place... so either i like smoking and i learn to love my bum the way it is now.... or kick the habbit in the butt...

the things we do for fun...

i met with a friend yesterday and while talking to her about something that slips my mind rite now, i get a flashback of something really embarrassing that i did once :

myself and a friend of mine decided to raid the local clinic of all it's freebee condoms, (see they have a steel box outside so its easy access to the pulic) anyway, i knew the clinic closed at 3pm. so we went there at 4pm. i walk out the car trying to look as inconspicuous as i possible, my friend waiting in the get-away car with the engine running. i knelt down and started filling my handbag, i then noticed some people still inside the clinic... whoops... oh well, i'm already doing this and looking greedy on my knees with my handbag wide open and half full, just carry on... only quicker! on my brisk walk back to the car... a woman taking a smoke break on the roof of the next building shouts to me in her typically 'cape coloured' accent : don't be shy... and she has a good laugh. of course we piss ourselves all the way home. we then split the fruits of our contraceptive acquisition mission... that nite my boyfriend at the time asked me if i tried to call him... or that i must have dialed his number by mistake... cos all he heard was girls laughing...

its not nicotine

i know it's a disgusting habbit... i've been trying to stop but it's just not happening. cutting down doesnt work and trying to stop doesnt work either, u'r supposed to stop just like that! firstly its a catch 22 situation : u stop smoking and for 2wks u have 'bronchitis' cos ur lungs r trying to get rid of all the tar and shyte that u'v sucked into them, then again i dont cough wen i'm smoking... so y stop? i was always a social smoker... after a couple drinks i'd always feel like a ciggie... no problem, bum a ciggie, lite it, smoke it but now that i'm a smoker its worse, we'r talking almost chain smoking. which brings me to my second point : i'd have to quit drinking if i really wana quit smoking. i can handle not smoking during the day(when there are no cancer sticks in my vacinity), but wen i go out for drinks, i cant just bum a smoke, i buy a pack and of course i dont finish the pack that night, so its there the next day...calling me... mite as well smoke till i'v masacred the pack. now they have these stupid snus tins like they'v had nicorette gum and patches that are a substitute for smoking. u still get ur nicotine 'fix' without the damaging inhalation of smoke... havnt tried the gum or patches.. but the snus kak is just that... kak... its like a micro tea bag filled with plain ol tobacco,no tar and u place it under ur tongue or by ur gums... the taste is vile. it worked tho... i didnt feel like smoking, it made me feel so sick i didnt feel like eating or drinking either (a nice 1 for those who wana diet) the thing is, maybe its the whole act of lighting up a ciggie, i duno, but u just cant beat the cool smokey taste of a menthol... disgusting, i know...

warranty conspiracy

so, i've had this nokia 6230 almost a yr... in fact i've had it 11months and 17 days and it's suddenly starting to give me shit. its as if they deliberately have a 1yr warranty on the fone cos they know it'll start self destructing after a yr or maybe they'v just built the fone with a special little selfdestruct mechanism set to happen at exactly 1yr so u have to fork out tom to have it fixed. well sorry for u... i still have 13days. HA HA HA ha ha...

my fone stopped vibrating a few months ago... just left it, i dont really need it to vibrate... thats wot vibrators are for he he he... yesterday morning i enabled a screen-saver on my fully charged fone and by late afternoon my battery was sitting on 1bar... ok fine... maybe its the screen-saver. no problem, i'll simply dis-enable it.. its cool but i dont need it. so i go to bed last nite, with, once again, a fully charged fone... got a couple sms's, so i respond, my funky little fone tells me 'message sending failed', damn no signal in my room again!!!! so i get up out of my warm bed... stand holding it near my window...i'll just resend... then it says 'still sending previous message'... OMFG! IT'S ALIVE... never seen a response like that from a fone... snazzy...wot other tricks can u do?? so i wait(by the window).. then resend... i get the same shit... i leave it and climb back into bed... as i lay there i hear the faint lil warning tone the fone makes, i look at it and it says 'message sending failed'... so i'm thinking... ok woteva! i hear the tone again.. look, same message... so like duh fone, i stopped sending messages... hello??!!! this happened all nite... well of course i fell asleep , not stupid enough to check it everytime. wake up this morning only to find a corpse of a fone laying next to me... i charge it once again... wen i turned it on i had 6sms's in my inbox.. and these were sent around the time wen i was still fiddling with the settings...

now this evening its as if all the words i'v saved in my predictive text dictionary have gone, also my fone is set to be loud but its so soft...wot IS loud, is that freaken warning tone and, NO! fiddling with the settings doesnt change a thing. i make a call and its on loud speaker, wots next?? oh look... its on 1 bar again!

so it starts here

mmm.... so... now that i have a freaken blog... its weird, cos i had all these thorts i just wanted to get out there but now have absolutley nothing to say... must be having one of my off days... probably left the brain under my pillow again... its beta this way anyway, dont wana overuse it, u know... it has an expiry date... or rather it will eventually become obsolete... used up... i mean why else do old folk lose their memory... alzeimers??? i think not... more like 'old-timers'... anyway time for me to ssshht... cos if i'm not using my brain to think today then my body's probably using some other organ and i pray its not my liver... if that's my thinking tool for the day... i dont wana know how this day will end, that baby's so saturated by liqua... eish!