having read the book i've come to realise what i knew all along....

he's just not that into me... and there are very clear signs

(part one of this post)

• if i dont hear from him - its not bcos he's too busy or bcos his fone was stolen or bcos he lost my number - its simply bcos he hasnt thort about me... hey sometimes its a week before there's any contact... i of course fight the urge to make contact cos as much as i want to ... i wont... why should i...???..... he's not that into me anyway.

4 down... actually make that 6...

• APRIL....
• its hideous how time flies... its freaken june already and i havent even updated this damn thing yet... thats 10 shades of wrong!!!
• mmm... work is hectic, the breakdowns are more and more frequent. "Yes, i cry at work, dont like to but i cant always control it"
• sisters bday comes around... and that nite i waited outside my flat, didnt have the keys to get in... stood there for about 20mins... called george to let me in, then this car pulls up, didnt see it really cos it was behind the trees... then 3 dodge black guys walk up to me and ask me for my fone, well of course i'm thinking "fuck no, my fones were stolen exactly a month ago and this cant be happening" my first reaction - i froze. then surrounded by the fuckers the one then flashes me a gun, (looked fucking real to me) so i then became angry and said no. he then puts the gun to my stomach and i looked down and saw my laptop bag on the floor between my legs, i freakout, thinking there's no way i'll let them take that... all my hard work is on it and i refuse to hand it over, so immediately sat on top of it and screamed for help. he puts the gun to my head and says he'll shoot me if i dont stop screaming, meanwhile the other little fucker starts trying to search my pockets, luckily i was holding files in both arms were nicely locked, that prevented him from reaching my pockets. the fucker with the gun threatens to kill me again if i dont stop and i'm thinking "just do it then" suddenly the neighbors come out and open the gate i practically fall in as i was leaning against it anyway. they run off... i ran sat at the foyer and cried out of shock. i've never had a gun pointed at me, the weird thing was that i really didnt care if i died... ppl keep saying it was brave... looking back i still think it was stupid... but it was involuntary... i was just reacting... i was just so furious that its such a mission to have to replace every thing...
• so both flatmates move out, and for the very 1st time in my life i live on my own, ALL ALONE! at 1st it sucked (well also cos i had jackshit furniture) cos i had no-one to talk to didnt even bother watching tv, just kinda speant time in my room, reading or drawing or working(as always) then tried to decide if i was gonna move out or stay (great place, cheap and huge) so i decided to stay, but then had to find a flatmate.
• was wined and dined one nite, nix (nicola) has this friend from PE, him and his leb mafia friend pick us up in a BMW m5, we go to this snaz restuarant. there was a queue but we didnt have to wait... nix and i ordered a glass of the finest chateaux d'cardbord. clint (mafia dude) takes a sip of my wine and says "no we cant drink this" then calls the manager over and orders the table a bottle of MOET rose'... (R1500 a bottle) i must say it was lovely!! then nix and i discussed wot we were gonna eat ( we were gonna order 2 plates of sushi and share it) so we place the order but clint says "no u cant just have that" he then orders oysters for everyone to start with, then a huge platter of all kinds of sushi, then the biggest prawns i've ever seen (they were so big i was scared they'd jump up and eat me instead) and other seafood. we didnt even see the bill... they then dropped us off at home. safe and sound.
• 2 days later, they pick us up to go out on the town... us girls all glitzed up. so the hummer arrives we climb in and off we go... go to sandton news cafe ( like only the hottest pub in jhb, we go there all the time) we walk in with the boys and feel like royalty, they get us a table, more guysw joined and it was drinks all around. then we see nix's ex, the one who was physically abusive. we tell clint, he gets all agro, calls the owner over and tells him to kick him out. so the manager goes over asks him to leave, he doesnt, eventually the owner goes over there and tells him to leave. him and his friends get up and go. owner comes to the table, saying that they must not think of ever coming back there. whoohoo... we're like the coolest bitches he he he... such a powerfull feeling knowing someone with so much power has ur back. then we go thru to the hottest new club in JHB - the palms. we drive up (in the hummer of course) there's a bitch of a queue outside and no parking. we drive straight thru the queue and parked rite by the door, ppl scattered everywhere. then they put security tape behind the car so no-one could go to it. we climb out the car, everyone staring wondering who we are, clint gets on the fone to the manager and calls him down stairs. we see some girls from work and they ask us if we can get them in. clint says its cool. manager escorts us rite inside and not one of us paid to get in (cover R100) drinks were free all nite... i scored 2 guys... but had some nasty's after me too. we left, this time i'm in a porche... and go home... whooohoooo!!!! wot a cool few days.
• unfortunately, there was a holiday on the thursday and most ppl took off work on the friday. spoke to nix (nicole) on the tuesday and she said i could sleep at her bosses place if she was going to house sit for her so i was closer to work. i usually walk about 30-45mins to get to her house in the morning. i mean i pay her for petrol but she doesnt even pick me up. so i eventually get to her house and her car isnt there, i call her and she's house sitting. so i said that she was supposed to let me know cos she said i could sleep there... anyway... falling out of note!!! cos little miss was acting all blaze' about it... and i continued to walk for a further hr and 1/2... anyway, her 21st bday party was the next day, she sms's me like nothing happened. how she's gonna pick me up and where, when, who.... so i tell her i'm not going, trying to find a flatemate and may have to help him move also broke as hell... sorry and enjoy. she loses her shit, and then i had a peacefull evening. she sent some martre messages... shame poor me... bla bla bla... i cried... i wanna die.... bla... hate my life... everyone's leaving cos u're not here... bla bla bullshit... next day we had it out... she was laying it on thick!!! and i was giving it rite back. so woteva... havent seen her since...
• went to check out only the biggest meteorite crater site... left early drove all the way to fuckknowswhere only to find that we've been living in it... the crater spans many km and jhb is rite in the crater site... saw an aerial shot... was so funny... then drove to the next one nearest to us... also in fuckknowswhere... finally get there at 3:25 and the fucker at the gate says they close at 3:30... so we say well then we still have 5mins... so he shows us his time and says its alreay 3:30... and we're too late... we tried to bribe, sweet talk even tried sending him on a guilt trip cos we'd been driving all day and nothing worked... anyway... threw my toys out and we managed to get in... yay... on condition that we were out by 5pm... tite squeeze as it was quite a hike... got some really cool pix... anyway
• MAY....
• so Armand moves in with me... it was really cool... he works with me, he's such a honey. anyway... so his car was broken into the following weekend.... they took his radio and speakers and funny enough, there was alot of promotional stock in the car... some new yoghurt that helps regulate ur tummy, the fuckers actually had time to sit in the car and eat it... we hope they eat too much and get diahhorea ha ha ha.... anyway, so we decided to move out, looked at 2 places and picked a noice one with a loft. awesome complex, more like a village... have everything we need... bar, clubhouse, laundry, dvd rental, pizzaria, mini super market.... everything we need, except furniture... grrr...
• nix eventually sms's to make up... still havent seen her tho...
• give notice at the old flate, only to find out that we need to give 2months... so we were gonna be fuct cos we'd already signed the lease at the other place so we woulda ended up paying rent in 2 places but luckily the landlord found a tenant. PHEW!!!
• moving was a bitch tho, had so much shit to throw out... but loving the new place... going to get a kitty...
• my old assistant leaves the company - just as she started getting into the swing of things...
• new assistant seems pretty jacked up... now having worked with a for a month it's very clear that our relationship will work out just perfectly!! she used to mock me or rather was impressed by how well i handle my work and how much ownership i take... she impressed me recently, as she's doing the same and we think so much alike.
• been rather lucky when going out... nix and i went to the palms again... and by chance bumped into some local and international rugby players, who then dragged us to the VIP section with them. and within the VIP section there was a lounge - just for the rugby guys and their guests. had sooooo much fun, except for the fact that i was tired and passed out in clear view of everyone... all in all a great nite out. also had some hideous hounds trying to pick me up... wots new... thats all i seem to be attracting these days, not to mention married men - who i mite add i leave alone and tell them in the nicest possible way to'fucking go home to ur wife'
• JUNE...
• so quite a hectic month so far....
• work was hectic - had an away day with all the senior managers... it was fun. discussed the way forward for us and for us in the company. had my performance review with both my direct superior and the one partner(team leader) they said that my review was the nicest 1 they had had to do. as i went through a ruff patch in march - personal stuff that was affecting my performance at work. they were quite understanding. but since then i've been performing beyond where i was prior to march. they also said that i was too critical on myself and that they expect more imput from me, as i dont have faith in my abilities i dont think i have any value to add but that i need to see the potential they do and work at it.
• my new assistant is working out great. in the areas wheremy other assistants were lacking - she excells. her only downfall is that she doesnt seem to be as computer literate as the job requires, but that can be remedied with training.
• i did an advanced excell training course - paid for by the company. they made us all go to help us save time as most of us just knew the basics.
• the fone that was stolen on the 12th of march - was replaced on the 12th of june.
• 15th of june - my client Nestle decides they're going to pull my campaign.. just like that... i was shocked, then angry then just plain dissapointed cos that campaign had been my baby for 8months and was meant to carry on till the end of the year.
• so i'd been planning a trip back home for fathers day. not so much becos it was fathers day but more bcos my family would be together again that weekend. with my bro not living at home anymore - dani living on res in grahamstown - me living in joburg... its not often that we will all be home at the same time. my plans to go to PE changed to many times i wasnt sure if i'd still end up going there... Nicola and i drove down - she's also from there. had such a blast!!!
• came back to the office and i hear i've landed Coca-cola as my next client!! whoohoo... its a bigger campaign than the one i was running. only problem is that i havent even been briefed on it, we have no confirmation as to when it breaks... so that leaves me doing nothing until then... and that's driving me mad... everyone says to relax.. but the funny thing is... i dont know how... and to top it all... all that i had was my work... now that i'm not as busy... i have nothing else... and so now thats where i'm at... lonely and bored...
• was seeing a nice guy but wots the point.... next year he's going to end up living overseas... so no point in that rite... why get into anything serious.... i fall so hard and so easily as it is... why choose to get into it if i'm only gona end up getting hurt anyway...
• went to the palms tonite for the Virgin Mobile launch party... and believe this or not.... RICHARD BRANSON rubbed my shoulder... he was walking passed me as i was at the entrance and i was getting an vip armband fitted and couldnt shake his hand when he greated me... so he put his hand on my shoulder and rubs it... whoohoo... now that's wot u call rubbing shoulders with the rich and famous he he he...

Control + Z

well i have very few regrets in my life... i'm happy knowing that all that i've been through has got me to where i am.... and to be who i am today
actually.... only 2 regrets....
one involving something that happened to my mom and one with something that happened to my sister.... its something i could have prevented happening and i carry the mental torture with me... dunno why i do but i feel responsible...

sometimes i wish i had a little "life remote control"

mmm... i fuct up>>>> refer to user guide

• "simultaneously push control+Z"