My Acceptance speech
Well not quite the kind of speech u’re expecting… but just another of my brain farts exposed in cyberspace, like a declaration that woteva life throws my way I will make it, it makes me stronger and wiser… just by accepting that shit happens – no more ‘why me syndrome’, that attitude also has u saying ‘bad things always happen to me’ and that statement rite there… u put it out into the universe, the universe hears u, its like u willing bad things to happen to u… u will it and it will happen. I’m not even depro anymore… it was just a short phase. I’m basically gonna throw out all the hurt and pain cos now I’ve accepted it and I forgive myself and I think I need to say it out load, so to speak… like I’ve said before this blog is like closure for my soul… closing of a chapter of my life... so here goes... from the beginning of MY time:
- Abused as a child not by 1 but by 2 different men at different times in my childhood… was introverted growing up.
- Growing up with the drunken fights and being the eldest and probably cos I had a great memory, always being dragged into it by mom being made to confirm stories and always being accused of taking sides. So I don’t confirm anything, then I’m accused of covering up. Grew up believing mom hated me and wanted me out her life also cos it seemed me being there aggravated their fights…
- (I know it sounds contrary to the previous point but we had the best of everything, went to good schools) Loving parents often strict but also easy going, who I know raised me very well but who maybe hit us just a little too hard that u really cant sit and wen ur ass is stinging so bad u use ur hands to shield the blows u walk around with black and blue wrists too. Got my last big hiding aged 16… I guess I did deserve that one but it didn’t need to be so bad.
- Trying to kill myself all those millions of times… I hate to admit it but also considering doing it a few months back… I wont tho I have a new lease on life… life is an opportunity too good to pass up.
- Mom’s suicide attempt… not good for me, grew up with so much resentment towards her as if I didn’t think little of her already… I also think I’m the only one of the kids who really knows about it… how could I forget, I found her body convulsing…
- My 1st kiss was also forced on me… I felt so violated… trapped… hated men… thort that that was all they’r all after and always said that I’ll never ‘make love’ if I ever have intercourse it would probably be forced on me too… careful wot u wish for… being a tomboy I also physically bullied guys… taking back some of the power they kept taking from me.
- Got a lot of attention from boys around that time in my life looking back I really was cute back then… I was labelled ice queen… so wot who cares… growing up I was always told I’m beautiful… being an attractive girl was not a blessing for me I hated my looks and blamed them for the way men constantly chose to abuse me, so I became a fatty… but fat chics r sexy too… didn’t make much difference.
- wen I became interested in boys… they were just that… boys… the younger they r the less likely they wud want to have sex like older guys would…
- always felt like the duck among the swans wen with my varsity friends… got only the ugly guys.. then I ‘slipped’ I met an older guy… he seemed so sweet and nice… I was alone with him only twice and that second time he rapes me… well he wanted to call it ‘making love’ and even after I said no and explained that I’d been abused and didn’t feel comfortable making love to someone I didn’t love… u always think u know how u’ll react in any situation… I froze… I didn’t give this man a beating like I thort I would in that situation… careful wot u wish for… I didn’t report it… I just wanted to forget it ever happened and make it disappear…
- became a real bitch towards men really quickly… they were all dogs in my eyes! Withdrew from my church and unfortunately also from my studies…
- dad’s company went bankrupt… go from having the best of anything to living hand to mouth.
- During one of their usual drunken fights while trying to get them to keep it down… mom pipes up that I’ll learn all about men some day and stop trying to cover for my dad… I lose it and blurt out that I know exactly wot men r like… I mention the abuse and the rape and shocked at myself I run off to my room… dad in after me… pushing and shoving me around interrogating me… screaming and shouting that I let those things happen to me, that it was all my fault.. he storms off leaving me there in a heap on the floor crying… for the 1st time since I was older, my mom holds me and cries with me and tells me she loves me and that its not my fault… and she called me baby… and she said she was sorry she wasn’t there for me… we’ve been close ever since. My dad and i… not even a little close.
- I spent my time on the internet, the only relationships I could handle were virtual ones… u get to be as open as u want… no fear of seeing someone’s reaction… it’s the most honest thing… u’re free to say wotever u want… I met a boy… he was so funny and sensitve… we fell inlove… i cant squeeze 4.5yrs into a paragraph… I moved 1100km away from everyone and everything I knew with no money… just a job. We struggled but we were really happy back then… until we weren’t so happy anymore… to cut a long story short… I was left feeling inadequate, ugly, insecure, not worthy and made to feel really stupid… and I cheated on him… but I’d warned him for over a yr prior to the cheating that wot I wasn’t getting at home I’d get somewhere else. he didnt change, we even went for therapy-which only explains one’s actions,it doesn’t solve the problems… we fell apart… it was a nasty break up mainly bcos we’d bought a house, power struggles.(we’ve since moved on and 2yrs later became good friends again) I had a run in with the law and on a separate occasion was beaten in the face by a bouncer in a club for no other reason than his steroids had just kicked in… anyway I was thrown out of the home I’d helped put together… out on the street. and stupidly just signed over my half amounting R175k to him... its only money, i'll make my own. i'm not materialistic so also left alot of my things there.. left with my clothes and a few kitchen items.
- Once again I struggled… I was on my own… and in a world of debt (enuf to buy a new car out the box)… no money for food at the end of the month… i rented an expensive little room from a freaky little pervert of a man that I really cud not afford, only cos it was close to work and even then, I walked an hr in the morning and at night in the dark to get to and from work… not having money made me spend even more money that I didn’t have cos in a warped and twisted way it made me feel better..
- I moved house again… could not stay with the freaky one... things started looking up… even got a new bf… I was really and truly happy… we were so inlove… there was no world outside us… and he helped me thru tough times, helped me believe in myself again… he helped me sort out so much of the issues I had in my head and my life… we always talked for hrs…helped me get a night job which would eventually help me clear my debt… then for reasons I’m sure his dragon mother would rather he didn’t exactly share with me too truthfully… I lost the love of my life… I had never felt so much pain in my life… I really wanted to die, yes i tried… there was absolutely nothing wrong in our relationship and ‘just like that’ its over and I’m supposed to accept it… now its easy to accept cos he’s changed so much that I don’t even like who he is now…
- I wanted to study, applied to a really good school. I made it thru the interview and worked my ass off to pay the non-refundable deposit (saved just more than a month’s salary) to get into a good private school and just couldn’t get any bank to finance it. Even if I worked the 2jobs for another yr I could only save for 1yrs tuition. And it was a full time course…
- At the same time got really sick… and for me to take a sick day at work u must know it was bad. I was haemorrhaging… and in extreme pain, so much so I couldn’t sleep, stand sit or walk. Went to see a gynaecologist… that experience was expensive.. felt violated… anyway, don’t think he knew wot he was talking about cos I asked if it’s my contraception and he said it wasn’t and to continue taking it… but every time I did… the bleeding and the pain started up again. Self diagnosis- stay off pill for yr till its out my system. Just hope I can still have kids.
- Left my job that I hated… had a fall out with ‘mother superior’ or ‘my regional bitch’ cant decide wot to call her but I can think of names that I cant publish here and would be blacklisted from the company forever… would go nowhere in that company… couldn’t go overseas like I planned as my payout wen I left was not enuf… and then I sat unemployed for 6 months…. going for job interviews... desperate... Suffering insomnia, comfort eating, loneliness and depression with suicidal tendancies…
- I’ve lived with only 2 regrets… I’ve hated myself for them… I was careless twice in my life and someone else paid dearly for my poor judgment… I don’t care if my choices end up hurting me cos I know I can handle pretty much anything life dishes out… well I think my history speaks for itself but wen someone else is hurt and has to deal with pain that I could have prevented, it hurts me a million times more than it would, if it were to happen to ME… sorry mom… u’re a big girl so I know u handled that situation… but I’m so so so sorry Dana. It still breaks my heart to think about it and u were and still are such a brave and beautiful girl. I’m sorry I didn’t take revenge… but karma will sort that out.
having said all that... i have a new job, career making stuff this... which i love but i'm dreading going back to tomoro... i've been on leave for so long... grrr... i still have great friends who love me and a loving family and i'm on the hunt for a car... so things are really looking good for 2006
